July 26, 2016
Hello to the 15 year old me, from your 31 year old self.
I just saw a rather unflattering photo of you earlier, while mindlessly browsing through Facebook on this gloomy July afternoon. The mouse’s pointer hovering over the un-tag button. You, I mean, I, just had a hell of a week, month even and in no mood to be bombarded with comments today.
I closed the window on your grinning face and went back to typing my report on how many people bothered customer services this quarter. By hour 2 of me futilely searching for yet another word to say ‘increased’, I looked for your face again.
I can still remember you.
Carefree, you with the bright eyes and wide smile. Big heart full of dreams and ideals.
I looked at myself and tried to see if you are still there.
Face is slightly pudgy now, eyes tired and beaming lips almost perpetually on a frown. Squinting, I tried to look harder. And then gave a small smile.
Though faintly, I can still see a glimmer of you, 15 year old me.
And as if on cue, you looked up from the book your head is buried in (like I always remembered you), and gave your slightly older version a thumbs up. Like saying, hang in there old hag, it’ll get better. It always does.
My heart revived, with self-love swarming back. It was so easy to get lost, so easy to just fade in, to lose sight of who I was.
Thank you, 15 year old me. That felt like an antidote. With no other reason, I felt slightly better. I straighten my slouch and gave myself a much needed pep talk.
Yes, 31 year old self, it felt like you’re drowning now but remember, YOU DO KNOW HOW TO SWIM.
And swam I did.

If truth be told, 2016 has not been kind to me. I’ve been feeling down, maybe it’s postpartum baby blues, maybe it’s stress.
I’m in a bad mood for most of the time, taking out my unhappiness at home and at the office. I just want to sleep and had to literally drag myself to do things, I’ve been unproductive and it’s alarmingly evident at work. I overate and gained pounds.
I knew I hit rock bottom when husband and I no longer talk and I was snapping at the kids. I’d go to work and just stare at my computer hoping that I won’t be asked what the hell I’m doing because, I was just spacing out.
But I’d like to think that I’m better now.
It was a struggle and it took awhile for me to get to my happy place. There were things I hoped I’ve done differently, like I could have tried speaking to a friend about it.
But what saved me, as always, was writing.
Pretty much like when I was in high school where I’d write in my diary, putting into words  my small victories and big worries. Reading through them now, I now have a renewed appreciation of what I have in my life.

32 thoughts on “Dear 15 Year Old Me”

  1. Makes me feel like browsing my old
    Photos and see how improved from time to time. Surely, it will be a bitter sweet moment. I will start laughing on how I looked before. But I’m thankful, today I’m a better version of myself.

  2. I absolutely love this blog post with your letter. You’re a talented writer/storyteller. You know that, right? And things will get better, it always does when you’re aware. Keep up the good work! 🙂

  3. That was a trip back to the past. I guess? Anyway, this made me remember my 15 y/o self also and the carefree things I used to do or be. It was just the era where you won’t be thinking of stuff like adulting or whatever and also the time wherein you’d ask yourself what do you want to be. Trying to figure things out. Tbh, this post has got me thinking about things.

  4. I’m glad that you’ve found your happy place again. I do agree with you that getting your thoughts into writing is very helpful and therapeutic. I hope your road to happiness is continuous already. 🙂

  5. Writing is an outlet for me as well. And even during those unhappy days, I’m glad you get to find ways to destress yourself. I am hoping for the best for you, sis. ♥

  6. Don’t get me wrong but this gave me the creeps because it felt like reading a page from my own book. Heck, you just described my 2016 and my life in general (sans the postpartum and husband issues). Even the spacing out at work. LOL! And yes, writing has always been my outlet. I still maintain a journal and I still write every chance I get. It’s still a struggle these days but I think I am starting to cope. And yeah, I believe we will bounce back stronger. 😊

  7. What a very honest post sis. We, moms, are often tired & overwhelmed with our roles in life. Sometimes we just need to recharge, have a me-time once in a while and cry out to God our burdens. I’m glad that through writing you’re able to recharge sis 🙂

  8. It’s such a relief to see old photos and look at the innocent and carefree ways of our old selves. It reminds us to much to be happy and take life one problem at a time.

  9. Hello Mommy Kach! I can feel your exhaustion. I would really suggest you go on a retreat like the one I had last May, the Mindful Moms Re-Treat. It was such an uplifting session. It feels good to know that you’re not alone with that kind of thoughts. All moms need a break talaga. Virtual hugs to you! Don’t forget to pray. 🙂

  10. Browsing old phOtos make us remember how we have grown. 🙂 I’ve recently browsed my old photos as well, thanks to fb mrmories and it has somewhow led me to happy places where I have drawn smiles once again. 🙂 Sometimes, we just really need to look back at the happy times, not to dwell but to draw strength. 🙂

  11. I had post partum blues also. At first, I wasn’t really sure what it was… I knew I was supposed to be happy but I was feeling sad. Everything was routinary. Thankfully, I had help and my family supported me. Kudos to you for finding your happy place!

  12. Reading your article is like taking me back to my teenage years – wishing a lot of things are a lot easier just like when I was younger. But it also reminds me of how I lived a happy teenage like. You write beautiful articles.

  13. I think it’s pretty normal to sometimes wish we are our old selves. I feel that too. In fact, I had depression after giving birth. Worst is no one is supporting me except my own self.I believe we just need to realize that life is not always about staying the same and that we always have to move forward.

  14. Mommy Kach, I hear you. I gave birth just 6 weeks ago and been battling post partum baby blues too. Thankfully, for me it’s getting better every day. Hang in there. You are not alone. I hope you’ll feel like your usual self again soon.

  15. Aaaww.. I love this. I am a neophyte mum. Also in my very early 30’s. I totally get you. These past few days, I always find myself looking at my old photos. But not my 15year old photos. My 20 something ones. Nung payat pa ko. When my life was full adventures and travels and crazy night outs. Wow! Sometimes, it feels like “anyareh?”. But then again, I would just smile kasi I know I’m a better version of myself. No longer looking and discover who I am. Kilala ko na sarili ko ngayon at tanggap ko na. I’ve never been more sure of myself. Kaya I guess, this is a better place.

  16. I love this, and I’m sure 15-year old you would love the woman you’ve become. Don’t forget that conflict is necessary for progress, and through your struggles you’re becoming an even stronger woman.

  17. Loved what you wrote. I can relate with every word. I hope you’re feeling okay now, no not okay, but GREAT. God bless! 🙂

  18. I remember when I was 15, I have my online diary/blog in tabulas. I just can’t remember it now. Like you, writing really helps me when I’m feeling depressed. I guess you’re right, this is just a postpartum baby blues. I experienced it last year when I gave birth to my daughter. Blogging, gardening and chatting with my friends helps 🙂

  19. It helps when we talk to ourselves once in a while. I find it helpful as well feeling depressed but we should know when to stop feeling one and move on. Experiencing all emotions makes us stronger – I believe – and readies us to bigger feats.

  20. I remember I once had that spark to write something online, kind of a blog, just to let out some feelings I’ve always wanted to shout out, sa sobrang inis ko sa mga tao. But after that, after some lines, I realized, why am I spending my precious time for these persons who do not even care. In a way, writing can really help you count first, think first, before making irrational decisions.

  21. What would I say to my 15 year old self? Plenty! Though I truly believe it’s our choices and decisions that bring us to where we presently are. Despite some hardships I like where I am. Amazing progress and realizations you’ve made.

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